Ireland's Recession Hits Pubs

Tuesday

Lad goes into a bar, says: "Any chance of a pint?"

Barman: "Sure, that's what I'm here for."

Customer in raggy trousers, unshaven face: "Just one problem, I've got no money."

Barman, already pulling the pint: "That's no problem, I'll give you a gallon of stout and a bag of extra-large bacon fries if you want. Or would ya rather triple-sized salted or roasted peanuts?"

Surprised customer with big smile: "Jaysus, that's fierce generous, I'll promise I'll pay you back next week at some stage."

Barman: "No worries man. So what will it be?"

Customer with grumbling belly: "Well, I didn't manage to have an 'aul breakfast this morning so any chance of all 3 of them and the drink."

Barman: "No bother. Here you go, enjoy! And I'll keep an eye on your gallon jug to make sure you're not running too low. Let me know if any of your friend's come in and I'll sort them out too."

Customer with even wider smile, grotesquely smashed bacon fries covering his tongue, licking his fingers:
"More power to ya boy, you're a rare breed. Sound-owht!"

Following Monday


Penniless customer returns to bar, says to the same barman: "Ah, how's it goin 'aul friend?"

Barman:

Not so good. Cutbacks. Hard times. Looks like our bar is goin down the shit hole. Too many debts. Too many wankers knocking on the door for money we don't have. Suppliers not confident we can pay our debts, so the scroungers won't give us any more kegs or bottles. Less kegs to tap, less pints to pull, less glasses to wash.

Customer with pale look: "That's brutal. How's a man supposed to get a drink then?"

Barman: "Well, any chance you can pay your debts from last week first?"

Customer: "Not a prayer of that I'm afraid, lost me a few weeks ago."

In walks a flush fucker in an Armani suit and a bulging wallet, Merc parked outside on a double yellow line.

Flush fucker: "All right boys, why the glum look?"

Barman: "Ah, ya know the story, hard times, cutbacks, shite weather."

Customer: "And no beer. The pub is running out of beer. No beer, no pub. No pub, no barmen. No barmen, no pub - no service, no escape, no job."

Flush fucker to Barman: "Looks like you were a bit dumb, giving out pints on the house to desperate fuckers like this lad."

Barman: "Aye, bit late to be rubbin it in though, don't you think."

Flush fucker:

Don't worry, I won't let you stew. Just keep the beer flowing, I'll ring the lads with the kegs and bottles and guarantee your payments. Just make sure you get langers like this lad at the bar to pay for his bacon fries on time. And if he doesn't, take his umbrella, watch, shoes or whatever he has. If you don't, I just might have to pay your creditors my employees wages. That would mean less school repairs, less schools, less cancer wards, less hospitals, less homeless services, less help for the aged, more harshship for those with disabilities, and less investment to aid those with mental illnesses - not to mention the fact that they will be too poor to put food on their dinner tables, finance their children's education, maintain payments on their homes, etc. So you see, it kind of makes sense not to give extra-large bacon fries and gallons of stout to those who only ask for pint, especially when they more than likely will not be able to pay back even their minor debts.

Barman: "OK."

Customer: "Smug prick! Bet he has a big house and two 3.0 litre cars. Why shouldn't I?"