Doda - The Polish military's 'Weapon of Mass Seduction' in Afghanistan

Doda, in one of her Special Forces outfits

The players
According to Polish military authorities, national bimbo extraordinaire Doda has agreed to 'perform' for Polish troops in Afghanistan. There are approximately 1,200 Poles in the war-torn country at the moment. And boy, do they need some morale boosting! Polish Radio interviewed a spokesperson for the Taliban recently where he vowed they would be doing their utmost to take out any Polish soldier that strays their path. Nothing like a bit of tits and ass on stage to solve that problem, heh!

The confusing name
The TV personality, formerly known as Dorota Rabczewska, is now dangerously named similar enough to the extinct bird for me to get them mixed up every now and again. However, she seems to cleverly realise that her time in the high life may just suffer the same fate as the Dodo's time in the sky unless she keeps marketing herself to any and every opportunity that arises. This Paddy in Poland has also heard (and this bit is true) she has also offered her services to a leading Polish humanitarian organisation - services meaning high heels and uum, her hyena-pitched laugh.

The extinct Dodo bird - colonial sailors mistook the gentle spirit of the dodo, and its lack of fear of the new predators, as stupidity.

The intelligent bit
The etymology of the word Dodo may grant us some powerful insights into how Doda could ultimately end up. According to Wikipedia, the word Dodo may derive from the word dodaars, or plump-arse, Dutch for the 'Little Grebe.' Though the Mauritius bird became extinct in the mid-17th century, there remains sayings common in the English language, "dead as a dodo" and "to go the way of the dodo". They mean to become obsolete, a thing of the past.

Walghvogel, Dutch for "loathsome bird" or "nauseating fowl" was an alternative name the Dutch gave to the ugly bird due to its rancid taste. Furthermore, the Encarta and Chambers' Dictionaries of Etymology, claim the word "dodo" comes from the Portuguese doudo which means "crazy" or "fool".

Bimbos Against Terror
The date of Doda's journey to Afghanistan is top secret, but this Paddy in Poland can reveal from his insider expert defence contacts that there are a number of plans in the pipeline to ensure her arrival is utilised with maximum propaganda value for the military.

The most favoured action-plan at the time of writing is to parachute the blonde bombshell Doda right into the nerve centre of the Tora Bora enclave, where Bin Laden has been hiding out with his ascetic nutcase jihadists for the past 6 years. The logic goes that it's getting increasingly chillier in Afghanistan now. Therefore she will be initially welcomed with open arms by the Talibananas who will be desperate for anything to distract them from getting frostbitten.

The TellyBandana extremists in Afghanistan have supposedly requested Doda to make sure she brings the above outfit when she visits their homeland

The military planners' rationale develops that many of the vicious, bearded, uncombed and dirty-shirted fighters will not have seen any women in a good while, not just because they have a tendency to force their ladies to cover themselves with Burkas, but also as a consequence of them currently being engaged in a fairly isolated and brutal fight with a country (which is very far away from Afghanistan) called the United States of America - but that's a complex issue that is irrelevant to this post.

Note: Yes, I know, that was a really long sentence.

The Woody Allen influence
Once the army's star 'Weapon of Mass Seduction' is behind enemy lines, her military overlords will be hoping that she will put her Special Forces training into full force. She has reportedly had in depth consultations with the eccentric genius film director Woody Allen about the potential lethal nature of giant tits - Woody experimented successfully with them in his classic film, 'Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask.'

To cut a long story short, in Allen's movie everything the enormous tit came into contact with was milked to death. The brains of the Polish military have high hopes that Dodo, their wooden horse, will similarly milk the terrorist scum into submission or martyrdom.


Another potential positive outcome the general's envision transpiring from her visit will be that the Polish soldiers may cut down on surfing porn on Youtube and elsewhere on the web. It is expected this will be due to the fact that event organisers plan to distribute each soldier with a revealing Doda photograph which they can have personally signed and sealed with the lipstick of Doda herself.

In the coming months of battle with the insurgents, the top brass of the military hope that each of their soldier's will carry Doda's photo with them and fight wholeheartedly to gain higher respect from one of the finest exports Poland has in its arsenal - G.I. Doda. A prize of a private dinner with Doda is also been considered as a gift for any Polish soldier who comes back from Afghanistan sane. Psychologists reckon that no such soldier will ever manage to achieve that criteria.

Now God forbid that this might actually happen, but if Doda is kidnapped by the baddies, and happens to spend a long time in captivity, it is possible she will end up like this poor little Dodo in the image below.
Please note the two left feet and obesity due to a very lengthy incarceration.


Jan Savery, 1651 image of the Dodo

If you want to send Doda any messages for the Polish troops in Afghanistan, preferably with notes that suggest: 'Commit mutiny mate,' I'm sure she would be more than glad to receive them. You can also sponsor a copy of the edition of Playboy magazine, where Doda posed naked some years ago, for Afghani children who are eager to learn Polish so that they can communicate with their latest occupiers.

Comments

varus said…
A very entertaining piece. I look forward to the Afagan update. How you have the energy and time to write so much is beyond me.
Damien Moran said…
Indeed, I personally hope TVP will be broadcasting the event live from Afghanistan. I think it should be preceded by a football match between local militants and Polish soldiers - no arms permitted on the playing field or the sidelines.

The referee though would have to be someone neutral - for example, me.

I'd be happy to accept the position if they offer it.

I write cause it's fun and I learn a lot about developments in Poland in the mean time. Consequently I can discuss a wide range of issues with my students - including topics like 'what politician do you hate the most?' and 'Does Doda have a high IQ?' Regarding the latter, I have read that she deliberately manipulates society into thinking she is an airhead, but actually has an IQ of 151.

I have time because I will find any excuse to avoid learning Polish from the dozens on language books and CDs I have.
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